May 16th Daily Refection

1) Name something you did today to encourage your wellness.

          I left the hospital yet, again.  I am still feeling overwhelmed but was able to ask for hep and not yell at 

                  Bret w hen he doted on me.

2) Name three feeling you had today.

         1) Happy

          2) Overwhelmed

          3) Cared For

3)If you could redo something you said or did today, what would it       be?

    I would have not let my emotions get the best of me.

Left with little to believe

    Today is a tough day.  I am facing many decisions I don't want to make, but others cannot make them for me.  I had forgotten till now pull the rune. In my attempt to pull a rune I actually cast one. This rune was trying awfully hard to get my attention.

Beorc is a rune of family but more specific the mother child bonds.

Beorc forsees birth if not physical, as in the formation of an idea. 

Birth is a vulnerable time and one must work with caution.

There will be a tangible result. 



   

 

I cannot begin to bring myself to share on this rune.  

       The sight of it hits hard.

This is why I know "this stuff" works 5/8/12 Three Rune Pull and Casting

This is why I know "this stuff" works.  I have pulled all three of these rune  
                                           individually in the past week.
                                                        And now
                                           I have pulled and cast them
                                                        all together.

GIFU

THURISAZ

WYRD

Reading verses Pull.

I pull a rune everyday for help and guidance.  I apply the rune that is pulled to all of my decisions, thoughts and actions for that day.

I read the runes most often when I trying to workout a specific question or pull together energy for a big decision.

These are the runes that I have pulled and cast for a reading today:

GIFU      THURISAZ     WYRD

Essentially

GIFT     RUN OF LUCK       VOID 

                                                  HIDDEN 

                                                FROM VIEW

WOW.  Without sharing the question it says that I have been given a gift and this gift is, and if I am not careful, a potential problem.

I am in a run of luck (THURISAZ) which would implies I should take a chance with the gift, but I have to remember runs of lucks end.  

And to top it all off WYRD is in the position of outcome.  Which can mean one of two things, the outcome will not be relieved to me or, if it is, not until the last moment.  

Without sharing the question:

   I have recently met some new friends.  This often happens in the psych ward, like begets like.  The first thing you learn is that you are most likely not crazy.  Out of 15-20 there are really only 2 or 3 at the most that are beyond sanity.  If you can find the three really really crazy people you are safe. 

  Anyway, living under a microscope with so few people for days filled with arts and crafts group and bitch and complain group, you become close.  We are obviously vulnerable.  We are raw.  And our true self is just hanging out there.  We see the inside of the soul of other people.  It can be pretty ugly, but in those few you find yourself close to, It is amazingly beautiful.  

   So I need to hold this gift carefully, move forward with it cautiously because as it is right now an outcome can not yet be seen.

My Plan of Action:

   To move slowly.  Handle these friendships carefully. Move further into them cautiously.  And be ready when the outcome may appear.

 

Dreams of my Grandfather

Haflingers, Pa's horse of of choice

     I dreamt of my Grandfather last night.  In the dream he had been transformed.  No longer the man I knew, the hardworking farmer, he had been made over into the country club, polo wearing, plaid shorts kinda man.  He stood taller and younger, and in the dream we called him "Grandpa" with all the formality it suggests.
    For any that know him this is comical.  I have never seen him in a real tie, even though I remember playing with them in his closet when I was little.  To my knowledge he doesn't own a polo, and he may own a pair of swim shorts if he has any at all.  He was never "Grandpa", but more simply Pa.
     I am fortunate enough to still have him and love him dearly.  I do not see him as much as I should even though he lives only about 5 miles away.  He doesn't miss holidays and since my Grandma passed has never been late on a birthday card.  He keeps a "journal" and as a child, unlike my grandmothers,  the thought of trying to take a peek never crossed my mind.  His is a stronger man with strong hands.  When he was younger he had a magical dog who could throw stone on to the porch roof, or at least that is what had told his father.  He would shower in the summer with the water from a warm hose before coming in the house.  To me he was a man of few, but strong, words.  He taught me to gut a deer and sold me my first rifle.  He taught me to square dance.  One night he gave all the grandchildren a lesson on the difference between a horse whip and a bull whip making sure A) we were aware he owned them, B) he knew how they worked and C) if we were not in bed on time that night we could be taught how they worked too.

    I can interpret this dream by the books of Freud and Jung.  But simply put I think it just means I should see him more because I won't have him much longer.  With the way my dreams sometimes work I would venture to say he will be gone soon.
 .

My NA and AA connection

My life around drugs and alcohol has been pretty complicated lately.

About 10 days ago I acted additively and took pills knowing I was taking to much to often and know if left up to me I would simply take more.  I crave there fore I am an addict.

I am choosing to publicly work a program I have been working since October 2005.  Until 10 days ago I had successfully avoided the misuse and abuse of both recreational and prescription drugs.

          My relationship with alcohol has been different.  I never thought it was a problem for me.  I drank socially, I can drink socially.  But I can drink to excess and if I choose that path there are usually unpleasant consequences.  I have been told and have told my patients, It is not what you drink, how much you drink or how often you drink rather it is what happens when you do drink.  So I have decided to choose the path of complete sobriety.

  I have wanted so bad to have alcohol in my life and struggle know with the thought of not having a beer or glass of wine once in a while.  I honestly believe that I can drink and not compromise my recovery.  But I will do my best not to.  Not just my best I will choose not too.





     I went to two meetings today.  AA at 12:00 and NA at 7:00.  I can say both meetings were need and if there were a third and forth meeting today I would go.

Lessons from the AA meeting:
  1) What other people think of you is none of your business
  2) If you are keep a relationship a secret then you probably
        shouldn't be in it
  3) You are as sick as your secrets
  4) Reasonably Content is an OK place to be

My corresponding comments:                                                  
  1) This is so hard for me and I may never be able to let go
         of  my desire to know what they think.
  2) The relationship I have been keeping secret is my sobriety

         it is a relationship that I need to share with those that 

         care.
  3) This is a simple Duh.
  4) I hope I can get there.

 My insight from the NA meeting is that Anger = Fear.

I am angry at myself = I am scared of myself





Just for today my thoughts will be on my recovery, living 
                        and enjoying life without the  
                        use of drugs.
Just for today I will have faith in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help 
                        me in my recovery.
Just for today I will have a program. I will try to follow it to the best of my ability.
Just for today through NA I will try to get a better perspective on my life.
Just for today I will be unafraid, my thoughts will be on my new associations, people 
                        who are not using and who have found a new way of life. So long as I 
                        follow that way, I have nothing to fear.  Just for today

"Yesterday was plain awful....

But that was then.

As my children might say FML.

Looking for a better way today.

Let's see whats in store......GIFU.

Ok, I'll admit when I saw GIFU, my first word association went to SNAFU (Situation Normal All Fucked Up).
 
GIFU though is a gift. It has no reversed position so it is most certainly positive.

The intersection within GIFU signifies a relationship.
                          This makes me smile.  "There's a boy, I know" --Whitney Houston

GUFU is a rune rooted in emotions.

So SNAFU it shall not be

GIFU will make today another gift

or better yet release the gift that has already been given.

Weeping Willow Rune Pull

     I am trying to get under motion by am slow today.  I have been doing better at it, but I did not sleep well and for me sleep is essential.

     I have bee weeping a lot too. Not crying, weeping.

The tears have been falling with an undesirable ache.
The Celtic meaning of willow has a long history of symbolism associated with metaphysical and ritual practices.

Many uses and associations came be traced back to our Celtic ancestors' observations of the willow tree in their natural environment...
Other valuable traits of the willow include its flexibility. The willow is one of the few trees that can bend in outrageous poses without snapping. This is a powerful metaphor for those of us on a spiritual path. The message here is to adjust with life rather than fight it.

Further testimony to its adaptability, is the willow's ability to not only survive, but thrive in some of the most challenging conditions. The willow is a prolific grower, often taking root from a single branch that has fallen into some marshy bog.
In all, the willow reminds us to take heed of this lesson: Keep growing and reaching higher no matter where you are planted.

     Keeping busy has been helping too.  Before I knew it it was 5:30 and I was late for the NA meeting .  The topic was rude awakenings.   Oddly enough my rune pull for the today mentions the same topic. 

THURISAZ - "This is an obstacle rune. A rune that says you will suffer in order to grow, to be strengthened. Allow your destiny to unfold as it should. Experience all that life has to offer you. What at first may seem negative and destructive may well contain a necessary lesson. A change will be brought about and a new age entered."

This rune also encompasses protection and luck.
     If read along with yesterdays rune and the willow of today there is the sense that I should not push my luck but just let it unfold.  I saw this in manifestation last night so I can feel that this is the path I must take.
I am hoping the luck from an unexpected  source manifest too. I was told of a job that I would love, and with the the runes watching I wait and see if it shall come about.
     THURISAZ also has negative aspect based in the fact that I will encounter people whole are morally stronger than myself, lol not that hard at this point in my life.  I need to practice humility and be on the alert for the examples of morality the earth will be sending.

My plan for today is simple. Bend to the will of the earth, trusting in its ultimate plans for me.

5/5/12 Rune Pull and Reality

Today I pulled EIHWAZ from the box.

EIHWAZ - Eihwaz often appears to convey "Go ahead, take the plunge, the risk is worth it in the end." Eihwaz indicates that I have set my sights on a viable (but reasonable) target and am unlikely to encounter defeat. If I do encounter catastrophe, it will be minor and may in fact be to the advantage in the long run. 
     At the same time there is the warning to avoid being overeager and accept my limits to influence the outcomes.  EIHWAZ is a strong predictor that things are turning for the better.  


"This Rune informs you that only through foresight, perseverance, and right action can difficulties be avoided."

I chose to live the day and then reflect back on this.  Watching my day at a distance I can see that it is time to look ahead and through self-direction anticipate the paths that will present before me.
EIHWAZ is a rune of protection.  I will accept this protection the the earth is offering.

The EIHWAZ Runes symbolizes the Yew tree.

Today I saw plenty of places that I can uses this rune as guidance.  I went to a new NA meeting today.  The meeting is held in a house down the street from where I grew up.  This house/organization is looking for skills I have and want to share.  The warning of the rune to avoid being overeager is hard for me, so I was glad the wisom of the earth had shared with me that I may need to watch out for this.  I will heed this rune and reassess my abilities before I move forward.

Recent Rune Pulls

   There are three ways that I use runes, I cast then, pull them or a combination of the two.

ISA RUNE

Casting them is a long reading with that requires more energy.  To cast them I simply scatter them onto my alter cloth and read them how they are presented to me by Mother God.  It seems simple but can be spiritually draining. 

In pulling I am simply taking one from the box and allow it to guide me through the day.  For example, yesterday I pulled the ISA rune.  ISA shows a need to cease activity in certain area of you life.  When I pull ISA I never have to wonder what the area of cessation is supposed to be, I simply know.  ISA speaks to of frustrating delays, but those are only temporary. 

The third way is when I am reading runes for someone else.  In this method I have them pull the required number, usually 3,5 or 7.  They pull them and place them in my hand.  I then cast them in a motion similar to sewing seeds.

WYRD RUNE

So yesterday was ISA, the day before was WYRD. It is pronounce "weird".  WYRD is a blank rune and my first reaction to it is always fear.I guess I have this gut reaction that I am looking into a mirror and a blank one is staring back. 

Ralph Blum says"This is a rune of total trust and should be taken as exciting evidence of your most immediate connection with your own true destiny."  We are talking the cosmic power of fate.

The blank rune is a blank slate to manifest your own destiny.

Dream Scene May 5, 2012

   

 I have always found my dreams vivid an telling.  The reason I took the drugs was to sleep.  I find comfort in sleep and in most cases my dreams.  I can live a thousand lives in my dreams but I can also die a thousand deaths.

      Don't take me wrong I have nightmares.  They are horrific and terrifying... and they are real.  But even the worst help me see things.  For example, after you have drown in your dreams a thousand times at which every time was not painful or scary.  You stop being afraid of the water. My dreams have made me unafraid of death and dying.

I have decided to start reading into my dreams and to us them as a tool for my life.

I dreamed a lot last night but last night, with out sharing detail, there were three themes that seemed central.

Car- Freud--"in psychoanalysis a car is often the symbol for treatment."  He says a slow car is an ironic statement about the slowness of analytical analysis.  OK ?  My car crash into a parked car and I left the scene
     - Jung--sees a car as a symbol for moving away.....can we just say genius.
    In general I feel that the car is symbolizing a transformation.  My sister was in the scene so it bods well for my analysis since my sister and I are growling closer and trying to trans form our relationship.

Shoes- In the dream I have lost one and are looking for another, not another the other one of the pair.
   Shoes are a symbol of grounding and I guess this makes sense since I do seem to be half ground with the life I have and half not because I am looking for a new one.
   It is also said that shoes symbolize protection from the powers of the earth.  Maybe this is way I have always loved to run bare foot,  I don't want to be protected from the earth, I want to be connected to it.

Tools I choose to use

I have decided to revert to things I know work: Spirituality (Runes), Reading, Writing, Crying, Keeping Busy and if necessary a down right hissy fit.

Spirituality:  I am a spiritual person but not a religious one.  When I say a the Serenity Prayer I leave off the "God".  Even the bible recognizes other gods, so I do too.  When I pray it is a conversation with the Mother Earth and Father God.

 I cast and read runes.  I have done so for years but have never shared that with others.  Runes are similar marks of mysterious or magic significance.  These marks are the beginnings of written language and they are everywhere.






The easiest visual example of runes in our surrounding and environments is a Saxon House.





                                                                                                    Notice the shapes of the window panes and the angle of the board and stone.    
                                                                                                       Runes are everywhere in nature Examples are the shapes of the sticks on the ground in frond of you or the tree branches above you.  They are in the cracks of the side walks  and angle of shadow in light,                                        

My set of runes are very similar to those below.  The difference is they are stained with my blood. 

 

I read anything and everything and am taking to writing to get things out of my head.  Crying calms me and being busy is a distraction.  But never under estimate the power of a good hissy fit.

How I got Here

So this isn't a sex ed. lesson about "when a mommy and daddy love each other very much". It is a short who, what, when, why and how I find myself writing this all down.

Who: Essentially Me but in a way Sean, LuLu, Nicole, B-Man, Louie Louie and even NFL (Noraline Faye L)

What: How I Survive A Disease That Wants Me Dead

When: Although the battle has been being waged for years, It is today that I have joined in and starting fighting back.

Why: Because even though I am tired, I am still alive.

How: Hard Work, New Friends, and a Forgiving Family

    This battle began a week ago last Wednesday.  With full consciousness I took 6x the dose of Kolopin I was supposed to.  I justified it and can still partially justify it, it was because of the most recent wonder drug I was started on was making me crawl out of my skin.  I wanted to sleep through the discomfort and 6x my dose of Klonopin worked.  It worked so well that I did it again and again, those three times are all that I remember Bhub. says there was at least one more self medicated sleep.
    Thursday was gone, slept through, but the evening is remember in flashes of hospital gurneys, "blah, blah,blah" nurse speak, lovely matching silver toned bracelets (hand cuffs), a cold shower and exhausted sleep....and the psych ward or as we like to call it Nuts Are Us.
    The psych ward is a well kept secret.  If the world knew what a blast it was to be there more people would be signing themselves in everyday.
    The details of the battle need not all come out now.  What is important is that I survived.  I came home,  I freaked out and wanted back in, but I fought back and am among the living again.